Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups Think They Are the Best Candy. In Fact, They’re the Worst.

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Reese’s has installed a vending machine in New York City that allows Halloween revelers to trade in their “unwanted” candy for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Called the Reese’s Halloween Candy Converter Machine, it is open for business on Halloween from 4 p.m. to 9 p.m., or whenever the 10,000 cups stacked inside it are gone, CNN reports. This is pretty damn presumptuous of Reese’s, considering Reese’s peanut butter cups are gross.

There is no good way to hold a Reese’s. Scientifically speaking, the thermal energy emitted from your sweaty hands is too much for the cup’s wimpy, waxy, molecularly mediocre exterior. It melts immediately, coating your fingers and lips with chocolate that more than likely goes to waste. A streak somehow ends up below your earlobe. You return home at night to find a watery brown smear behind your elbow. And the brown paper wrapping is worse than useless in protecting the cup’s structural integrity.

Also, we have to talk about the peanut butter. Bad peanut butter is a crime against mankind, which has done one good thing in its 200,000-year or so existence: invent peanut butter. The thick schmear of peanut butter inside a Reese’s cup is gritty—Gritty! Only googly-eyed Philadelphia hockey mascots should be gritty!—with a weirdly sharp bite to it, as if it’s about to go bad. Peanut butter should not taste like it’s about to go bad; it’s literally made to last.

Only googly-eyed Philadelphia hockey mascots should be Gritty.

Chocolate and peanuts were made for one another, like exhausting Halloween costume montages and Today show hosts. Reese’s cups betray that sacred bond. If you’re looking for a shining example of the two ingredients at their best, get yourself a Buckeye. Made by dipping peanut butter fudge in rich, respectable chocolate, Buckeyes are one of like, three total reasons Ohioans like myself are a proud people. (O-H! I-O!) Or go eat a Snickers bar.

Reese’s claims that its cups are the number one Halloween candy in America. By the night’s end, the Reese’s Halloween Candy Converter Machine will likely be full of Dum-Dums and those creepy, unlabeled “Peanut Butter Kisses.” (Peanut Butter Kisses are so unpopular that one town in North Carolina pretended to ban them because “no one likes them.”) But don’t listen to Big Candy. Don’t pretend you hate Tootsie Rolls to appease the cool kids. Break the chains. Oh, and Happy Halloween.


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