Unless you were raised on a deserted tropical island by perfectly loving wildebeests, it’s likely you were told some variation of the following as you grew up…
Don’t do that… You’re too sensitive/ lazy/ fat/ loud/ stupid/energetic/ quiet… Why can’t you be more like so and so… You shouldn’t have… Stop it… You didn’t apply yourself…You could have done better…That outfit looks bad on you… You should be ashamed of yourself… Go to your room… Don’t eat that… It’s your fault… You’re a bad girl/boy… I do everything for you, yet you’re so selfish and ungrateful…
As time went on, you got the message loud and clear…
There is something wrong with you.
And you’ve been carrying that burden ever since.
When that second date didn’t transpire, you may have wondered if you did or said the “wrong” thing.
When you got divorced, you felt you were damaged and not lovable.
When you looked in the mirror, you scrutinized the tiniest wrinkles.
When you didn’t get a job, you felt not good enough.
Now I know you may have felt all this suffering is the fault of those people who said those things and treated you badly. I get it. While I’m not excusing what they said or did, I’d like to invite you to remember that they were also raised to think there was something wrong with them. What they said and did ultimately was the result of their own suffering. It had nothing to do with you.
It’s also not your fault for internalizing the negative messages. You didn’t know any better. This process is part of being human.
We ALL have an inner critic (our ego) who has perfected negative self-talk, a kind of anxiety and dark thinking that attacks us and creates a troubled mind. It runs over and over focusing on our perceived pain, faults, and failures. I call this part of us the Disappointing Self.
The Disappointing Self tends to have a mind of its own. Once you give it an inch, it tends to take a mile. Meaning that the more you give credence to the negative thoughts, the more they come in.
When it comes to dating and relationships, this Disappointing Self is responsible for ALL our dead-end patterns – from criticizing our partners to feelings of abandonment, lack of deservedness or neediness.
Filled with repressed emotions and experiences (often from childhood), your Disappointing Self tries to “protect” you by repeating false ideas and patterns, as if to prove to you that they are true. For example, if you don’t think you’re lovable, your Disappointing Self will look for an experience that will validate that false belief. If you’re unconsciously afraid of commitment or you don’t think you deserve real love, your Disappointing Self will find you partners who are also afraid of commitment. When it’s in the driver’s seat the majority of the time, a healthy relationship remains elusive and you keep attracting the same kinds of partners. It’s a merry-go-round of pain and suffering and you sabotage love and intimacy as a way to protect yourself.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s easier to quiet the Disappointing Self than you might think. It’s just a matter of tuning into its arch-nemesis…
Your Diamond Self Identity!
If you’ve been following my work, you’ve probably heard me talk about the Diamond Self. The Diamond Self is your most dynamic, self-loving, and passionate identity. In each arena of your life, it builds on all of your prior successes. It is the “you” that acts in ways you like, enjoy, respect, and admire; it is the best version of you.
Your Diamond Self identity comes from heartfelt intuition and constructive thinking when you relate to yourself and others. It appears when you affirm yourself and your needs as important, work through your fears, become more authentic, and ask for what you want and really need. You help others to do the same. In fact, when you operate from your real Diamond Self identity, you tend to say and do things that are ultimately beneficial for everyone concerned. Using your Diamond Self you have full access to your particular gifts, whether it’s your quirky humor, awesome aesthetic sensibilities, brilliant analytical skills, intuitive understanding of people, unique creativity, or any number of other wonderful traits.
Everyone has a Diamond Self. No matter how stuck you are in suffering with the Disappointing Self running the show, it’s still possible to bring your Diamond Self to centerstage. And thus, decrease those patterns of sabotage, self-hate, and rumination. It’s just a matter of choosing what to give your attention to.
Here’s some of the key ways to quiet the Disappointing Self and put an end to feeling like there’s something wrong with you…
Visualize the Disappointing Self Disappearing:
Recall an image of yourself at a time when you felt self-doubting, self-critical, anxious, undeserving, invisible, rejected, abandoned, or unlovable. When you were overrun with negative self-talk. This is your Disappointing Self.
Next, picture an image of yourself at a time when you felt most alive, happy and free. This is your Diamond Self image. Now, imagine throwing it right into the center of your Disappointing Self. Watch it completely destroy the Disappointing Self.
Now, instant replay. Imagine your Disappointing Self, throw the Diamond Self grenade into the center, and blow up the Disappointing Self up again.
Speed the whole thing up and do it several more times.
Do this until you cannot get a clear image of the Disappointing Self. You can do a quick version of this process whenever you need to be comfortable and at ease with yourself (the MOST IMPORTANT person) or around other people.
Mindfulness is the practice of bringing your attention to the present. By nature, our minds tend to go into overdrive, deviating onto obsessive thoughts about the past or future, which then leads to stress and anxiety. This all fuels the Disappointing Self. The practice of mindfulness allows you to detach from all those thoughts, to just allow them to go in and out of your mind without you reacting to them.
Here’s a quick technique to try: Sit quietly and just spend a few minutes breathing. With each breath, simply observe each inhale and exhale. Let it come and go naturally. Don’t think about it, just feel and be aware of the breath. When thoughts enter your mind (and they will) just let them come and go, as if each thought is a leaf swept up in the wind, just blowing past you.
In a similar fashion, when you find yourself moving into Disappointing Self territory and those negative, critical thoughts and behaviors are coming up, don’t judge or get attached to them. Let the thoughts come and go — without grasping on to them.
Love it all Out:
Here’s a little secret about the Disappointing Self. It’s a bit like a little kid having a meltdown as a way to get attention and affection. When you react to your Disappointing Self by getting angry at yourself or latching onto all the negative thoughts, this part of you only gets louder. But, when you lovingly “care” for this part of you, it also calms down. So, next time you find yourself thinking you’re too needy/OCD/wrong, send love to the part of you that is thinking this. The less attention you give to its criticism, the quieter it becomes.
If you’re ready to totally end your pain and suffering, I’m here to help you even more. Contact me now to schedule a complimentary one-on-one mentoring session with one of my expert Love Mentor® Coaches. Not only will your personal coach help you create the relationship of your dreams, but he or she will also provide you with the tools you need to be free of that disappointing self talk- and be happier, more self- loving, and more powerful in your career and life. You deserve it!!!
Sending you love and happiness,
About Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love”, and of the best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.